There is being Stretched and then there is being snapped!

They say that we should always be looking to stretch ourselves, our
abilities, push ourselves to reach more, gain more, never staying still
as we may become stagnant.

Last night we had a camp planning meeting and we decided that we need
to break down into more specified planning groups. There were 3 groups
Performance, Celebrations and Camp. Lillie is heading up the
performance, Chris the celebrations and he has given me the task of
heading up the camp!

When I asked what that involved he told me if it is not performance or
celebration, then it is camp! How daunting!

I was freaked out for a bit but after speaking to a few trusted people
I began to realise that I must be the main communicator to all the
people working with me, this way everything will get done. My problem
is that I am not to good if people do not do it properly, I do not
suffer fools lightly!

Recently I meet with someone who said to me about where I plan to be or
head to in youth work? I said I am not to sure, I love working in
schools and spending time with young people and that is why I am a
youth worker.

They said had I ever thought about leadership? I said I struggle to
dress myself in the morning, not to sure I am the right person to lead
others. They were encouraging and said that I have leadership skills
and people follow me (was not sure that was a good thing!).

Well I now have the challenge of stretching myself more than I thought
I would in this space of time, naturally with things life leadership
and responsibility I tend to hang back as i do not like it in a way, I
much prefer helping so that I can spend more time with the young
people!

I will keep you update as to where I am!

Maybe a blessing in disguise!

How frustrating! My training was going so well then i had a slight
injury in my foot, got over that and now I have a pain in my calf every
time I run!

I was really getting into running again and I was feeling much fitter,
but now I am losing motivation and have had enough of the little
niggles.

But then again maybe it is a blessing in disguise, I put a lot into
training as I want to see the results, it means a lot to me. Being a
Christian also means a lot to me but I am not sure that I put as much
effort into that 'training' as I should and many days I am not sure I
see any results. I have tried to keep to a idea that I will not train
unless I have done something spiritual. As with a lot in my life it is
all good intentions. I do want to give more time to God, so maybe not
being able to train will force me to do that.

Let us hope so.

'i' is the way to go!

'i' seems to be taking over. I have now realised that I am checking
the apple website daily.

I have an 'i Book' and am not sure I could live without my beloved
friend and life partner my 'ipod'.

I am starting to try and convert people to buy Apple products. They
look great and are really easy to use and I am in danger of becoming an
Apple Geek! God help me please!

I may have all this but can I put a picture up on my blog posts, no!
Anyone know how please share the wealth!

Everybody hurts

When we make big decisions in life they can affect many people, even
when we know it is best for us, it does not take away the pain that we
feel when we see people that we love hurt.

Recently (a few months ago now) I made some decisions that affect lots
of people that I love and care for very much. Each day I have to deal
with some guilt for hurting them, I have to deal with the fact that
some of them think I did the wrong thing, I get encouragement from some
that think I did the right thing for me and others just do not say
anything.

I now have to face the new challenge of just getting on with my life
and trying to leave that guilt and pain behind (easier said than done).
Also the challenge of becoming more open as a person, blogging is
helping. I do not want to be someone that people look at and think
'he's got it all together' I want to give off a real view, I want to
let the guard down a bit, show that I am human too.

I have been challenged to be more open with some people that are close
to me, this has been hard but also rewarding, each time it feels as if
a little weight has been lifted off.

I am only a short way on this journey of openness, a journey that I am
sure will never end as I do not see myself ever being someone who
shares everything with the world and it's mother, but I plan to be more
open to all and especially those closest to me.

All I can say is keep reading!

Cold place to be

The house is a cold place to be as the heating has decided that it does
not want to work properly right now! I think it may be warmer in the
garden right now.

Had a really encouraging email today from an old friend (Hairs) who
said that my blog is quite deep. If you knew me you would know that
that is the last thing most people would say about me!

It got me thinking and reading back on what I have already written on
this blog. I see that I am still on this journey of faith even though
there have been times recently where I thought I had given up. Just a
few week ago I hit another one of those walls where everything seems
useless and God seems so far away and you get stuck in that hole of 'I
have not spoken to God in so long that I can't stat now!'

Thankfully again God has helped me out of that hole. still some days I
slip back in a bit, but He has my hand. I have had a couple of verses
that have kept me sain recently Romans 12:12, By joyful in hope,
patient in affliction and faithful in prayer. Right now there do not
seem to be more true words to try and live by. The other is the story
of where Jesus turned water into wine (John 2), it is a story that I
have heard so many times but I have never seen what I see now, before!

This is how I see it....

Jesus is asked by his mum (Mary) to sort out some more wine (she
obvisouly liked a tipple!), he says it is not time for him yet, but she
tells the catering staff to do as he says.

So Jesus gets them to fill these huge jugs/barrels (they seem to be
small swimming pools) with water. Then he gets them to take a normal
sized jug of the water to the wine taster. He checks it out and says
that is ab fab! Wine taster asks the bridegroom why he left the best
wine till last!

Now that i have retold it I will now tell you what i got from this!

mary had the faith to ask Jesus to help her enjoy the wedding/life
Jesus could have said, no I am not making any wine, but instead he made
the best wine and loads of it! He wants us to enjoy life and life to
the full. So often I feel that Christians do
not like to have to much fun as they feel that would be wrong because
Christianity is all about persecution.

God made the world and he made life and he wants us to enjoy it, and
when we are having a hard time he wants us to live as Paul did when he
wrote to the church in Rome!

This story has uplifted me and has helped me to remember how much God
loves me and wants the best for me, even though I choose wrong each
day.

New Year, New Start... (as always!)

Well it is 2005 and I have just realised that i have not yet blogged
this year! How have I managed to survive?

So far the year has been good, I know that we are only 17 days into it,
but so far so good! The boys and I decided to detox for the month and
that is going well.

I have been writing down my thoughts and feeling (with the idea of
never showing anyone!) and this has been really helpful. At first it
was quite hard to be honest with myself as I kept having the thought
'what if someone reads it?' but then I thought how is anyone going to
be able to get hold of it and read it?

It has been freeing and a real breath of fresh air. Being able to be
open and think of things clearly and to follow through a thought has
been great. When I go back and read what I have written I can see
where I have progressed and where i need to keep pushing myself.

I am also trying to be more open with people, this is not going as
well, but I am trying.

Everything else has been pretty good, training is going well, church is
pretty good, car has been MOT'd and did not cost too much and I have
brought new football boots and running trainers! I am not sure life
can get any better?

I really like New Year as you are able to look back and take stock of
the past year and think about what you want from the year ahead.

I hope and pray that you all have great hopes and dreams for this New
Year.

As yet I have not made any resolutions but I will keep you posted.

New Year, New Start ... (as always!)

Well it is 2005 and I have just realised that i have not yet blogged
this year! How have I managed to survive?

So far the year has been good, I know that we are only 17 days into it,
but so far so good! The boys and I decided to detox for the month and
that is going well.

I have been writing down my thoughts and feeling (with the idea of
never showing anyone!) and this has been really helpful. At first it
was quite hard to be honest with myself as I kept having the thought
'what if someone reads it?' but then I thought how is anyone going to
be able to get hold of it and read it?

It has been freeing and a real breath of fresh air. Being able to be
open and think of things clearly and to follow through a thought has
been great. When I go back and read what I have written I can see
where I have progressed and where i need to keep pushing myself.

I am also trying to be more open with people, this is not going as
well, but I am trying.

Everything else has been pretty good, training is going well, church is
pretty good, car has been MOT'd and did not cost too much and I have
brought new football boots and running trainers! I am not sure life
can get any better?

I really like New Year as you are able to look back and take stock of
the past year and think about what you want from the year ahead.

I hope and pray that you all have great hopes and dreams for this New
Year.

As yet I have not made any resolutions but I will keep you posted.

Where is the community?

Blogging seems to be the new way of sharing your life. As I walked
around the conference during the lunch break I heard people talking
about catching up by swapping, wait for it ..... Blog Address!

Here i am saying this on a blog! Hypocrite! Are we becoming a society
that no longer engages with each other? A society that no longer has
physical community, but only cyber community? It feels that we are
individuals only coexisting together not living together. When I was
a kid we mainly shopped at the local outlets (bakers, butchers, grocers
etc), the shop owners knew me and I them. Now I go to Sainsburys and
stroll around on my own, usually listening to music. When I get to the
check out I am asked or even told the standard customer relation
question 'Hi, how are you today?!'

A question that the 18 year old college student is not really expecting
me to answer, let alone ask them the question!

No-one seems interested in anyone but themselves. Our worlds evolve
around us! Where has the community gone?

On the other hand I find myself building community with strangers that
I see on a regular basis - the lady who walks her dog as i leave for
work, the guy down the gym who trains at the same time as me, the lady
behind the counter at Bodycare who I see each week. I only know one of
there names, but yet there seems to be some mutual connection.

So where do we go from here?

Try it you might like it!

Well tonight I actually typed up some of my thoughts!

It was not that bad when I started, by the time I finished I had
actually written 3 and a third pages! I did not think that I could
write so much. It felt slightly freeing but yet I still felt slightly
anxious.

I guess it will take time. My opening statement was actually about me
maybe one day using these thoughts for a book. I am not sure but you
never know.

Watch this space for the 'Ordinary mans life!'

Not to sure what to blog about today, but I thought that I should at
least type something (no doubt it will be of very little importance!).

I have had a guy follow me around today to see what I do as he is
thinking of taking a year out with LCET and so wanted an idea of what
it was like. It is always strange having someone shadow you as you
become accustomed to working on your own and not having to think about
what they can do. It is nice to have the company though.

Well next week will be hard as I have 3 SCHOOL TRIPS to go on! What a
hard life. It will be really good as I will get to spend quality time
with lots of young people.

Met with my mentor on Saturday which was really good, I tried to be
open as possible and said that it will take me time but I am pushing
myself to do it. I am not sure whether it is just a male thing or just
me. I guess my fear is being vulnerable and getting hurt. Maybe it is
commitment and actually giving my all to someone? Many questions and
very few answers.

On a completely different note I saw a great article on the BBC news
website about a pack of dolphins who protected a some swimmers from a
great white shark attack! How cool
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/asia-pacific/4034383.stm

Read Acts 13: 13-52 today, very encouraging about sharing the Gospel
under pressure. Check it out!

Closed Book

I am just starting to realise how much of a closed book I am.

One of the ideas about blogging was to help me put what i am feeling
and thinking down in words. But then the feeling that someone I know
might read it terrifies me!

I spend most of my day speaking to young people who are having major
problems or feel they can not speak to anyone else, so I listen to them
and try and shed some light on what can be really dark situations, but
when I need to talk I just bottle it up. I meet with my mentor but I
do not share anything of any major importance (why do I waste his
time?).

Just the other night I had a conversation with someone that was heading
down the road of how I feel and am feeling. I thought about actually
talking but then could not, I shared some very minor detail but then
reverted to my usual defense of humor or silently smile! It worked,
for now.

They then said to me 'you don't tell anyone anything, do you'. To
which I just said 'not really'.

I know that I do not need to be the kind of person who shares
everything with everyone, but I do recognise that if I do not learn to
share my feelings and emotions I may well cripple every relationship
that i ever have. How can I expect someone t share everything with me,
and yet give nothing in return?

Words of Encouragement

This morning as I was praying and reading, which let me say has been
really hard to do recently in the light of what has been happening, as
I finished I read Psalm 34 and wow what a Psalm. It talked about those
who as struggling if they keep close to the Lord he will deliver them,
it did not say He would stop what is happening (shame I know) but it
said that His strength would get me through, and that is what i needed
to hear today.

If you have never read it before, I encourage you to do it today, do it
now, we all go through though times and we all wish we did not, but I
know I have a power much stronger than me to help me through, His name
is Jesus.

Hope you too are encouraged by this Psalm!

Fast spin is here!!

Well today is a good day in many ways as we now have the long awaited
washing machine!! I can now create the wet cloths for the tumble
dryer.

I have not been to good at this blogging thing, I keep forgetting.
Well life has been hard recently as I had to make major decisions that
affect all of me not just certain areas, but every area. It has been
hard and it will get harder but I feel that it is the right thing to
do, that does not make it any easier, if only!

It is funny how when you go through a tough time it makes you evaluate
everything and how it shows so much about yourself, the good and the
bad. I have realised that I am extremely secretive and do not share
how I feel on any other level than a superficial level. I can not bare
the thought of being open and venerable to anyone. I have found out
how high I rate trust in any relationship. I have found out that i
have so much baggage that I must deal with, and that is really hard as
we all like to think that we have it sorted, so when we realise that we
are not as sorted as we thought we were it is crippling.

I am guessing that the next few months may be the hardest of my life so
far as I am going to have to face some of my fears and also put myself
in a very venerable position. Just the thought scares me.

Well I think that I have shared enough already. Speak to you soon.

Washing Machines and bumps in the road

Life has a problem of not going to plan, it does not run quite as
smoothly as I had hoped.

I have been worried about a friend of mine and just last night I heard
some rather upsetting news. Unfortunately I am going away on a school
residential and will not see him for over a week, so I am not going to
be able to talk to him until then!

I guess this is all just bumps in the road, we even let it puncture our
tyres or we try to get round it as best as possible.

I am also faced with making some really hard, what you might call life
changing decisions in the very near future. It would be sooner but I
keep ignoring it, someone once said 'ignorance is bliss' still not
sure if that is actually true! It is one of those decisions in life
that I even struggle to pray about, I feel as if I can not. I will try
though.

Well it is back to school again now and I am really enjoying it, I have
briefly met the new head who was extremely nice and even told me to
make an appointment to see him. I now have to think about what and how
I share our focus with him. I am sure God has it sorted.

On a completely different note I still do not have a washing machine, I
have a tumble dryer but I can not produce the wet clothes to go in it.
One of my house mates has been promising one for ages but as yet he has
not delivered!

Finally I am going to West Harrow this weekend to re-visit the church
we helped at on Soul In The City, I am really looking forward to this
as it will be great to see how God has blessed the church (I am sure he
has even if it is not numerically!).

Well time to shower shave and get ready.

Slipped up again, oh well

Opps, looks like I have missed a few appointments with my blog! Not
to worry, I guess not many (if anyone) actually reads it so I guess it does not matter if I do not post for a while.

Well back to work now and everything seems to be running smoothly,
other than the fact that my minister thought I finished with the
church at the end of September and not the end of August! Not to
worry I have tried speaking to him but to no avail as yet. Life is
to short to worry.

I really should be asleep right now but just can't. I have just
searched other bloggers from Luton, I actually know one (hi Christine).

Well I guess I should end this with the promise that I will continue
to post.

Just before I depart, feeling quite good as I have now got back into
to my fitness training, it has taken a while, so London Marathon here
I come!

PS Hopefully getting to go and have a private tour round Downing Street! How cool.

Chapter is now closed

The last young person has left and I am now here on my own with just my
thoughts as company!

Now that it is final that I moving on, all I can do is look over the
past 2 years and think about all the highs and the very few lows.
I was really touched by what they did, i was given a card that was
really amazing (I am not an emotional guy but that made me feel
emotional) a little frame with the foot prints story on, wine and
chocolates.

They were all really grateful for what all the leaders have done for
them.

I am going to go now and contemplate about all that has happened in
this chapter.

Bye

As each chapter closes..

As each chapter closes they say another one opens. Well let's hope so,
because today it is my final youth group at church before I leave.

It is rather a sad time, not just because I will miss all the young
people (although now I will see them all at school) but because it has
been amazing to be part of the adventure of starting a new youth work
in a church that was on the brink of death.

Also as I leave, as yet there is no one to pass the baton on to,
something I am praying continually for.

I am scared about what will happen, but knowing that God has this in
his plan for me gives me comfort. This does not stop me worrying about
this and that, no, it just gives me the peace that some how he will
provide.

I guess my prayer for church is that as the chapter that I was part of
closes, the chapter with the next person opens and starts in a massive
blaze of glory. Let's pray so!

Mountains not mole hills

I see the work that God is doing as mountains and not mole hills, it
may be small but I am deeply encouraged and excited about what is
happening! Read on....

It has been a rather good day in all. Firstly I spent a short time in
prayer this morning (as always I mean it to be longer, but it does not
seem to happen!), the I went into to school.

At school I was speaking to a friend about their future, my friend was
explaining to me that they have applied for a new job outside of the
school. My friend told me they want to make an impact on the lives of
young people that have been dealt a bad hand in life.

It was really great as we talked about how we can have an impact of the
lives of young people. The job may mean working with lots of young
people and only seeing them for very short periods of time that are
also spread far apart.

I said to my friend that Jesus had his 12, but with in that he had 3
that he was really close to. We talked about the circles of people
that Jesus had a relationship with an also the impact. He had the 3
and then the 12 and then the 72.

We talked about that as the number get larger we have less direct
impact, and that maybe where my friend is at now might be the best
place. I think there needs to be some time spent searching, I did tell
them that I will pray about it for them.

Later on in the evening I received a very encouraging text from them.

The next good thing was youth group, or just before. Each week I go
into the Brownies and say hi, and generally just catch up on what they
are up to. Today I had made them I pudding to share as I had promised
them ages ago. The group were really happy and the leaders were very
encouraging.

Then it was time for youth group, it was a great night in all, when it
came to the spiritual input they were slightly hard work, but then we
started to talk about "Being Good" and I told them a few stories where
people have been good to others and the affect it has had. This seemed
to really capture their imagination and I felt that God had really
birthed something in them.

So tonight I am heading to bed rather encouraged in the knowledge that
God is still working in the lives of people around me, good night, God
bless.

Time to catch Up

Well it does not seem so long ago that I was last on team retreat, but
in the next 30 minutes I will be picked up and whisked off to Turvey
Abbey. As I look back and think about what has happened since last
retreat I realise that is has been a bust 8 weeks. I have been to
Osmington with year 7; what an amazing time getting to know the young
people and also making friends with lots of teachers.

I have felt like my involvement in the life of the school has
increased. I have been asked quite a few things by teachers just
looking for some advice or even just a sounding board to off load to,
this I enjoy as it feels that they trust me.

Earlier this week I went on a jolly to pick up a pupil with teacher
(who is also a great friend) who decided to run away, got quite far out
of Luton (about 20 miles, and he was walking!). we picked him the
teacher took us all for some lunch and we talked about what had
happened. It seemed that he just worked himself up into a state. We
then took him back home and chatted with his parents about what and how
we can help him.

It was good to be able to help the teacher and the pupil, I told the
teacher that I am praying for him, at which point she was pleased.

It is sometimes hard to let teachers or even pupils that I praying for
them or about issues. It does seem though that God really does bless
these words.

Oh well time to leave.

Death comes to us all

It is something that we know will come to us all, but when it happens
to someone we know or even 2 people in 2 days we suddenly have a
reality check.

Part of being a youth worker is helping young people deal with
bereavement whether it be family divorce or death, at those times it is
easy to be understanding and be the voice of reason, but when I am put
in the position of the one bereaving it becomes very different.

As a Christian death can feel harder to deal with as you have to face
the fact that maybe the person who died may not be entering the kingdom
of God, when young people ask this it is a very difficult question to
answer at such sensitive times.

I feel that i have probably said enough and now need to go and deal
with my own thoughts and emotions.